


Cas Loves Him

by Felurian1



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Holding Hands, Hurt No Comfort, Love, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Sexual Confusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:09:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27515869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Felurian1/pseuds/Felurian1
Summary: Moments after Cas is gone. Dean can't imagine loving Cas like that, except maybe he always has. Maybe there was always this between them. And now it's too late.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 63





	Cas Loves Him

**Author's Note:**

> Written deep in my feelings at midnight

Cas loves him. Dean can't quite grasp it, can't believe that it's true. He's always known of course, but some part of him maintained that it was just friendship, just brotherhood like him and Sam. That it wasn't something hot and confusing burning in Cas's eyes whenever they met. He just didn't want to think about it, in case it broke them. Ten years with his own personal angel and he'd got sloppy. He'd forgotten the first rule of hunting - nothing good lasts. 

And now it's too late. Dean's still sitting on the concrete and he's pretty sure his ribs are broken but he can't feel a thing. And it suddenly hits him that Cas will never heal him again. He'll never get that buzz of grace, the instant fix he's relied on without even noticing it was there. Cas will never touch his fingers to Dean's forehead again and that shouldn't be what's hurting most right now but somehow it is. 

Cas loves him. Dean wants to scream when he thinks about that because he loves Cas too but not like that. It can't be like that because Dean can't even figure out how two guys would kiss each other let alone the fucking part and that definitely makes him straight, right? How do you even kiss someone with stubble? And what if their heads both tilted the same way and now Dean thinks about it he's pretty sure they do cause Cas does that weird head tilt thing and… and… and now he doesn't. He doesn't do the weird head tilt thing any more. Dean thinks he's going to be sick suddenly and he rests his head back against the wall to steady himself. 

Okay fine, so maybe kissing is too difficult. Dean breathes. Cas loves him. Maybe, if Cas was here, he would sit next to Dean and they could talk. Maybe they would sit close to each other, Dean could give Cas that. He could give Cas anything he wanted. Dean imagines it, the closeness, the peripheral awareness of someone else's body heat, their mass moving the air. The crinkle rustle of Cas's perpetual trench coat. He imagines putting a hand on the ground between them and Cas touching it. Holding it. 

In the silence of the bunker Dean lets out a sob. All these years and he never held his hand. They could have done that, he wants to have done that. To anchor Cas to him with his touch. Feel the solid weight of his palm against Dean's, maybe curl their fingers together while they sit. Maybe spend forever just like that. Cas loves him. 

Dean tries out the feel of it, puts his hand out beside him and closes his eyes, conjuring the ozone paper smell of Cas near to him. Imagines a hand taking his. Wants it more than he wants anything else in the world, just to show Cas how it feels to hold his hand. The pretend scent makes Dean dizzy again and he curls away to vomit onto the hard cold floor, tears running off his face and mixing with the gunk and blood and sweat. 

When he sits back again its like there's something eating through his stomach and his chest and it hurts. It hurts so badly that Dean screams into the sleeve of his jacket to muffle the sound. Ten years and he doesn't know what Cas's hands feel like. 

"I want to hold your hand, Cas." Dean says to the empty room. "Please come home."


End file.
